Dearest Jesus, I am very weak and have been feeling suicidal. I have no motivation to do things and find it difficult to focus on doing things. I am feeling very traumatized. It is completely different to the time before 2016, when I had dissociated my traumas, I was highly functional and happy. I am going through an emptiness, that only three suicide attempts that I had survived would have. I am going through an isolation without people, then You told me that I was made to have a closer intimacy with You, with this abandonment of others in my life.
I see the things of this world has no value for me to pursue in, but I see value in pursuing You Father. I have deep depression; many times I have been looking down completely, holding my other upper arm tightly with both legs bent sideways to express that inner pain, that words cannot express that pain. I remember that I have collapsed in this way in my psychiatrist’s corridor in March 30, 2021, another GP and another psychiatrist had to come visit my home, for I had been bedridden for over 20 hours per day, I was feeling so unwell, but thank you Lord for keeping me in trials and storms, in which I continue to seek You in my pain. You told me that you will heal me very soon at my transformation, so thank you.